I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
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You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
My dad teaching me to drive
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper