Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
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Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.