batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
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Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
inside you are two wolves
I’m sure it’s fine.
No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
A dead goose is called a ghoost
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.