I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
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[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…