Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
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Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*