Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
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I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
*sewing*
A thread
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.