Not my job 😂
You Might Also Like
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
WWE is French for “yes”
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.