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All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.