Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
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Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
🤔😂😂
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
Can’t. About to go please some beans
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.