interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
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[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.