“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
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TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.