Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
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ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
Quadruple digit IQ
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
philosophical skeletons be like
#Caturday
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back