Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
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My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”