You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
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Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
Things will get butter, keep churning
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.