It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
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I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
We need more people like this.
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
the last thing a carrot sees
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.