My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
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Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
I just stopped by to water my horse.
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.