A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
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4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”