[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
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There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.