I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
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Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?