why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
You Might Also Like
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
Oh yeah that’s it
when someone rings the doorbell
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.