On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
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Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.