Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
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[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
January has been Januweary
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.