Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
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EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
At an art museum and I thought this was art
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
Nice try, NASA
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
And then there were 4
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3