Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
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When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “