It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
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So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
A sick whale is called an unwhale
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
S O O N
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.