my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
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*seductively peels off lederhosen
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
😜
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate