I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
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[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
Very good! 👍😂
Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.