[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
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Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
Happy Halloween 🎃
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
I know
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s