Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
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Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
These dogs look like they have good credit.
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.