Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
You Might Also Like
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
choose your gary
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours