Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
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Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”