A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
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My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
My friend is an excellent librarian.
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
I asked a judge if he would reconsider some of my case settings. I explained it’s hard to try 4 divorce cases 4 days in a row. He laughed and said, “Imagine having to listen to you argue 4 consecutive days.” And my husband who had no business even in the courtroom said, “Yep.”
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
Danger is very dangerous
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed