judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
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Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
Battery falling down a hole
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
I went on a first date with a man who spent the better part of the first hour ruminating about his recent ex
And yes I let him pay for my glass of wine and appetizer because a therapist would have charged double
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this