Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
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So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
My ideal weight is five million dollars
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?