Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
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When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved