Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
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Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
oh no, steve’s working tonight
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS