Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
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Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
How funny!
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.