Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
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That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine