Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
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That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
for all #parents out there
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
What a website
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
This is a whole mood;
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
this is the best interaction on twitter
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.