The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
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[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
🙄😏😂🤣
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet