“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
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Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”