Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
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Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
i prefer mine room temperature.
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?