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You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
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Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble