For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
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Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!