Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
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It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂