Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
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Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
I didn’t come here to be called names
when you don’t want to be too vague
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken