One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
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them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.