Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
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I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂