Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
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To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
AC/DC will always be on today’s rock and roll stations because they’re literally current.
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.