Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
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The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins